At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
