I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
