Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
