you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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