omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
