Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
