Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
