we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
ttyl tear gas
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
