Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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