got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
