Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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