Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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