didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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