He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
