First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
