can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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