What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
