Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
