If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
