my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
