if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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