God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
