Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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