Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
