Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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