I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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