I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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