Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
