I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
