i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have tasted many bathrooms
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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