hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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