he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
her facebook's as public as her vagina
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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