If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
