so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
