sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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