we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
