He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
