My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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