I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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