i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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