If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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