I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
