you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If I die, sorry about rent.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
