Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
