today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm sobbing to NWA
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
