the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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