It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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