We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
