I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
