Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
