he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
