I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
